The Retro51 Santa Jaws is the perfect pen for ensuring Yuletide shark power never falls into the wrong hands

it's jawesome

It’s time to stop.

You’ve been living a double life ever since you first put on what you thought was a normal, shark-themed Christmas sweater from Target and transformed into a superpowered Great White shark wearing a Santa outfit—and it’s running you ragged. 

By day, you have been a mild-mannered pen retailer and family man, a beloved member of your local and professional communities. And by night, you have been Santa Jaws: the avenging terror of the deep (and sometimes aquariums); the scourge of villains like Squid O’Wigglyarms, Killey Whalerson, and the Globster Gang; the brooding superhero who has to constantly explain that you have no connection to the movie Santa Jaws because that’s a whole separate thing. You accepted this burden and have spent years fighting long and hard for justice, as long as it happened in or pretty close to open water.

“a shark with a santa hat” per AI

But it has become too much. Your children are getting older and are starting to ask questions about why the house always smells like seawater. Some of your customers are asking uncomfortable questions about your affinity for Shark Week promotions. And you can’t make it through a single episode of Street Sharks without annoyingly pointing out to anyone in earshot that “gene slammin’” is not how human-to-shark transformation works.

It’s time to hang up the sweater—if only it were that simple.

Because over the years you learned that the sweater is neither good nor evil; it simply bestows the power of Christmas shark upon the wearer, amplifying their inner nature and giving them a fun little hat. It made you into the hero the world needed, but could be a weapon of mass chompdom in the wrong hands. 

All is not lost, though, because Stingleton, the oldest and wisest of the jellyfish, came to you in a dream and told you that while you cannot destroy the sweater, you can transfer its power into another vessel—and that if you could somehow transfer it into a series of identical vessels that you could distribute around the world, you could ensure the power would lay dormant for many years to come.

And so the very next morning you fire up your email and reach out to your friends at Retro51—and thus the Retro51 Santa Jaws, a Goulet Pens exclusive and your ticket to a life free of aquatic vigilantism, is born.

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The Retro51 Santa Jaws is the perfect pen for making sure that the jawesome power of Santa Jaws never falls into the wrong hands. Based on Retro51’s popular Tornado body and exclusive to The Goulet Pen Company, each pen is infused with 1/300th of the essence of Santa Jaws through the use of advanced sweater-shatter technology that transforms Santa Jaws into hundreds of pen-ready fragments.

Santa Jaws infusion in progress, Pen No. 249

The pen’s metal body offers satisfying heft in the hand and it is easy to use with or without the cap posted. A flared grip makes long writing sessions comfortable, and the antique silver trim emits a high-pitched shrieking sound whenever it is within close proximity to a critical mass of other Retro51 Santa Jaws, necessitating per-customer limits for purchase.

The Santa Jaws is a cartridge converter pen and comes with a branded #6 steel nib in a variety of widths, with the 1.1 stub nib shown here. It comes packaged in a branded tube and is shipped with a special Santa Jaws sticker, which probably has no powers but maybe don’t put it on a Jaws DVD just to be safe. 

Trapping a superpowered entity in a series of limited edition fountain pens is nothing new, of course, but rarely has such a potentially dangerous force been trapped in such an adorable pen. Although the initial run has sold out, you can try your luck on eBay at this link.

Your turn (discussion questions)

In the Goulet Pencast where Brian and Drew are wearing the “same sweater,” there are actually 5 differences that are dead giveaways that Drew had a regular sweater and not one that formerly housed an ancient aquatic demigod. Can you spot them all?

Image credit: Goulet Pencast via YouTube

What other pens do you like that that have the essence of some sentient being trapped in them?¹

1. Yes, “Kaweco Sport” is too obvious an answer—everyone knows they contain the joie de vivre of last year’s Tour de France winner. Think of something better.