Review: this huge Black Panther pen my dad got me

thanks for reading my pen blog mom and dad

POV: you are an aging weirdo who needs a way to say “VALIDATE ME WITH YOUR ATTENTION” in circumstances where your dumb haircut, visible tattoos, and screaming are not enough. You have deduced that the correct way to do this is through a ridiculous pen and, further, that your best option is one of those Montegrappa pens that could also be an action figure.

After all, you reason, is there any better way to show your warrior spirit than through a pen that is literally a warrior?

the Montegrappa Viking; image from the Pleasure of Writing

And, more importantly, is there any better way to show your dominance than by literally dismembering the warrior so you can write with, I don’t know, its spinal cord?

It is, as they say in French, very perfect.

(Note: you do not actually know French, so to you “speaking in French” is just saying things in English but with an exaggerated French accent.)

(Further note: you are bad at accents so your “exaggerated French accent” sounds more like “cartoon vampire” to everyone else.)

you, trying to be French

But: you find yourself put off by the price tag. For although you can understand why someone would purchase the Sylvester-Stallone-designed Montegrappa Chaos because invest in yourself, there is something about spending $150,000 on a gold action figure/pen that seems inadvisable to you.

pricing from The Pen Company as of 3/3/24

(For one, it seems an inefficient way to get attention: you could instead just say “here’s $15, now TELL ME I’M SPECIAL” to the next 10,000 people you meet, which also saves you the trouble of having to find a way to work your gold viking pen into every interaction.)

And thus you are stuck knowing exactly what you want but finding it out of your reach. You consider using your parrot-shaped pen as a way to garner attention, but have to admit that it is not nearly as effective—although you similarly dismember the parrot in order to use it, parrots are not known for their fighting skills so this makes you look like some kind of parrot-decapitating ghoul instead of a mighty warrior.

aiiiieeeeeee please stop

Then you come upon the perfect solution:

This Huge Black Panther pen is exclusive to Walt Disney World Resort gift shops and can be purchased when your supportive dad sees it and is like “hey he likes pens.” It is roughly the size of the LAMY All of Them.

why is no one talking about how hard Lamys are to stack

The Huge Black Panther pen is designed to stand more or less on its own, by which I mean it can be knocked over with a decent bump, or if you just deliberately stand it up a little wonky because you need to make a GIF for a pen blog.

You should keep it prominently displayed on your desk if you want to fluster colleagues who will inevitably knock it over and then rush to pick it up; this is a peak alpha move.

Like its more expensive Montegrappa brethren, you use the pen by dismembering Black Panther at the hips.

Unlike the Montegrappa pens, you then write with the top half of the body instead of the bottom. This allows you to choose from two exciting ways to write: (1) looking directly into its cold dead eyes; or

(2) this.

The Huge Black Panther pen has a textured grip, and its shape can best be described as “ceremonial katar blade.”

via Wikipedia

It is a ballpoint, and a fair assumption is that the huge back part of the pen is entirely filled with ink. Or, alternatively, that it is just a normal pen refill with a lot of dead space because maybe these were intended to be shampoo bottles; it is a mystery.

Now, there is one drawback: the barrel of the pen being made out of Most Of Black Panther means that the pen is significantly back-weighted and can thus be a little hard to control. On the upside, this makes it the perfect gift for a young child who is just learning to write and is also being a little smug about it and so needs to be passive-aggressively put in their place.

All-in: yes. If you are the type of person who sees Montegrappa special editions and thinks yes, I get that but were not fortunate enough to be born into the ruling family of an oil-rich country, this is the pen for you. Hopefully you have a cool dad, too.