The Kalemkes Scorpion is the perfect pen for distracting someone while you reach for the lever that opens the trapdoor to your shark tank

Please stand over here, no reason

You are a reasonable person. You understand that screenwriters have to take shortcuts and that things in movies never work the way they do in real life.

At the same time, every time you watch a movie and see a misunderstood genius reach behind their desk, pull a lever, and drop a hapless minion into a shark tank, you can’t help but scream at the screen: IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT.

You know from experience that it’s not that easy. You can pull that off, like, once before it becomes common knowledge you have a shark tank trapdoor right in front of your desk and your minions start keeping a safe distance—and even then that’s only if you had the foresight to have the shark tank built before you started hiring minions. Otherwise the aquarium guy and the shark guy hanging out in the parking lot are a dead giveaway and you end up having to get a whole new lair or your sharks starve and it’s just a huge pain.

Now, you are a scientist at heart; that’s how you knew how to develop a radio frequency that turns river otters into unstoppable murder machines. And so you put on your lab coat and ran experiments to figure out a way to keep your trapdoor trapping and your sharks chomping. 

But, alas, the road has been hard. A partial log:

• Experiment No. 4: praise minion and offer them a high-five while remaining seated at your desk, requiring them to stand over trapdoor. Failed; minion left you hanging.

• Experiment No. 45: offer minions Toblerone from large bowl on your desk, requiring them to stand over trapdoor. Failed; minions were suspicious of consuming Toblerone outside of an airport duty-free store.

• Experiment No. 86: remove all guest seating in office except one chair positioned directly over the trapdoor. Failed; successful at dropping minions into shark tank but created separate problem of filling up shark tank with chairs.

It was almost enough to make a world-class intellect give up and hire an HR rep to deal with the minion problem. But fortunately, right before you were about to pursue that complicated route, you happened upon the exact tool needed for this very particular job: the Kalemkes Scorpion.

The Kalemkes Scorpion is the perfect pen for distracting a disfavored minion while you reach for the lever that will turn them from an under-performing employee into shark nom noms. An oblique nib holder, holder stand, and spare nib holder all in one glorious scorpion-shaped desk piece, it acts as a visual tractor beam that seizes anyone within its orbit—forcing even the most paranoid minion to leave the safety of the doorway and stand right in front of your desk.

The body of the Scorpion lifts off the legs, allowing you to write with the right-angled oblique holder and scorpion stinger. This transforms the process of signing important documents into an elaborate and venomous spectacle, ensuring the minion who can’t get your coffee order right will walk over to your desk to watch.

The Scorpion is compatible with copperplate nibs made by Esterbrook, Speedball, and Brause, and the second claw of the scorpion holds a backup nib for when the primary nib starts to go. This is a nice practical touch for handling those quarterly minion performance reviews, as nothing disrupts the rhythm of dropping minion after minion into the shark tank like having to go scrounge around for a spare nib.

As a genius without peer, you will be pleased to know that only 16 Scorpions were made, ensuring that none of your minions will have ever seen one before and thus be helpless in resisting the urge to walk over and confirm that, yes, that is a scorpion pen.

The Kalemkes Scorpion was an exclusive to Truphae and the original Truphae product listing is archived at this link. You can try your luck on eBay here; you’ll be pleased to know that at the time of writing, searching eBay for “kalemkes scorpion pen” results in a bunch of Montegrappa and Aurora listings, a scorpion necklace, and a skin tag remover, so you’re going to have a great time no matter what.

Your Turn: Discussion Questions

What other desk accessories, if any, have you found to be effective in encouraging people to stand over a trapdoor?

Would you consider the Scorpion a signature pen or more of a daily writer?

Do you agree with the statement “there are two kinds of people in the world: people who open a trapdoor so they can release the sharks and people who drop a cage from the ceiling so they can release the bees”? If so, which one are you?

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