Review: pen-shaped abomination

SILENCE, TRENT FROM MARKETING

This is the Monteverde Innova Formula M Lightning.

It is currently floating down the hall outside of your office.

You think, at least. That’s what it was doing before, but you can’t see much from underneath your desk and you’re not going to risk coming out from your hiding spot.

You don’t know how it can do this, or what that unholy void thing is that it shoots out of its nib, or if it can smell your fear.

You do know two things: you are the only one left alive, and you are at least partially at fault.

You think back to this morning.

—

“Okay, Monte-fam! Grab a doughnut and let’s get this show on the road!”

You do not want a doughnut. You want to go back to bed.

Instead, you are at work an hour early on a Monday, mandatorily helping out Trent from Marketing, because you drew the short straw in Accounting. Your only solace is that everyone else here is equally unhappy: Product Jenny, Channel Management Mike, and Procurement Ben were each as unlucky as Accounting You, and each looks just as bleary-eyed and annoyed as you do.

“Guys, thanks for coming in bright and early today!”

“Didn’t have a choice,” Ben grumbles.

“It really shows your commitment to Monteverde,” Trent from Marketing continues, ignoring Ben. “And today I want to harness that for a very specific challenge. It’s the twenty-fifth anniversary of the Innova, and we want to do a really spectacular special edition to celebrate. I’ve gathered you all here to hear your biggest, wildest ideas!”

“At eight on a Monday? Couldn’t this have been an email?”

“Great question, Mike. Of course. I mean, what couldn’t be an email these days?” Trent from Marketing winks at no one in particular. “But there’s nothing like being in the office together to really get the creative juices flowing, am I right?”

“Is there any way we can get out of doing this?” you ask.

“No.” Trent from Marketing smiles. “But the sooner I fill up this whiteboard with ideas, the sooner you can all go back to your offices!”

Jenny sighs. “It could have a black nib.”

“And it should write well,” Mike says.

“Sure, sure.” Trent from Marketing crosses his arms. “Great start, and I’ll put those on the board. But let’s also think bigger. Who has a big idea?”

“We could give it a special name. Like, um, the Lightning?” Jenny offers.

Ben snorts and rolls his eyes.

“Now, Ben,” Trent from Marketing chides, “there are no bad ideas in brainstorming. Jenny, I’m going to go ahead and write that on the board. I like the spirit of thinking big! Who else has a big idea?”

No bad ideas in brainstorming. You lock eyes with Ben. Ben raises an eyebrow. He nudges Mike. You smirk. They nod.

“It could be rainbow-colored,” you say.

“Great idea! And to be clear, when you say ‘rainbow,’ are you thinking like a Pride—”

“No. Neon, but shimmery. Like a puddle of radiator fluid in a parking lot.”

“Oh, okay, sure,” Trent from Marketing says. “That’d work with the Lightning concept. Great!” He writes it on the board.

“But it should also have a matte finish,” Mike says, upping the ante.

“That might be a little tricky, but I like the attitude, Mike!” Trent from Marketing writes it down.

“And it should have a clip that is just okay. Like it works, but also feels like it’d bend if you worked it too much.” Ben adds.

“I’m not sure I get that one, but—“

“No bad ideas in brainstorming,” Ben says.

Trent from Marketing nods. “Fair point, Ben. I’ll write it down. What else?”

“It should be made out of pretty heavy metal but have a band of carbon fiber on the cap for aerodynamics,” Mike says.

“And it should have a snap-on cap that is super loud. Lightning loud,” you say. “It should startle your dog when you snap it on.”

“Right,” Trent from Marketing says, “I think maybe we’re—”

“And the body should not just be metal, but woven metal!” Jenny says, catching on.

“And it should have a raised black-on-black finial of the Monteverde logo that you can’t see in a picture!” Mike adds. “No matter how hard you try to take a picture of it for a pen blog, it just kinda looks like nothing, but it’s definitely there!”

“Sure! Let’s put those on the board,” Trent from Marketing says, hesitation creeping into his tone. “Now, just to manage expectations, I don’t think the design team will be able to take all of these great ideas in the final design, but—”

“And it should be made using black magic!” Ben shouts, rising to his feet. “With a blood ritual!”

“Whoa.” Trent from Marketing puts his hands up. “Guys, I’m loving the enthusiasm, but I don’t think that’s really the kind of thing we do here at Monteverde. We’re a family company. That feels more like something they do over at—”

“No bad ideas in brainstorming,” Ben says. He stares down Trent from Marketing for a long moment.

“No bad ideas in brainstorming,” Trent from Marketing repeats, giving Ben a dirty look.

A short time later, you find yourself standing around the conference table with the others, chanting some spell Ben bought from a self-styled witch on Etsy for $5.

“Guys, I get the joke, but I think this has gone too far. I’m not really comfortable with this,” Trent from Marketing says.

“Shh! No bad ideas in brainstorming.” Mike flaps a hand at Trent from Marketing. “Ben, we didn’t have the blood of a vestal virgin in the office fridge. Does the spell say whether ketchup will be okay?”

Ben shrugs and keeps chanting while Mike draws a pentagram on the conference table in Heinz 57. As Mike finishes, Ben motions for silence.

Nothing happens.

“Okay guys, you had your fun, but—“

BOOM!

All of the air is sucked out of the room in a blinding flash of light. You blink rapidly, attempting to regain your sight, as your chest heaves in a panicked attempt to get oxygen to your system. From the sound of it, everyone else got the wind knocked out of them, too.

Your breath returns. Your vision clears. A pen is now floating in the middle of the pentagram.

“No way,” Ben says.

“It worked.” Mike’s jaw hangs open.

“It’s everything we asked for in a single pen,” Jenny says, her voice heavy with awe. “How is that even possible?”

“IT’S BEAUTIFUL,” you gasp.

“Guys, seriously, what is going—“

“SILENCE, TRENT FROM MARKETING.”

You all look at each other.

“Who said that?” Trent from Marketing asks. “It’s a neat trick, guys, but—“

“I SAID: SILENCE!”

You are temporarily deaf, but you can somehow still hear the voice in your head.

“WHO HAS SUMMONED ME IN THIS FORM? WHO HAS BROUGHT ME HERE AS THE INNOVA FORMULA M LIGHTNING?”

Ben meekly raises his hand. The pen pivots so its nib is facing him.

“YOU? YOU ARE THE SUMMONER?”

Ben nods. Your hearing returns.

“PITIFUL.”

“I’m sorry, Mister Innova Formula M Lightning, but I didn’t expect that would actually—“

“YOU DID NOT EXPECT WHAT?” The voice is somehow a thousand voices screaming at once.

“Nothing. Never mind.” Ben puts up his hands in submission.

“Uh, Mister Floating Pen?”

The pen pivots to face Trent from Marketing.

“SPEAK, TRENT FROM MARKETING.”

“Hi, yeah, just because I will be responsible for promoting your, uh, floatitude, I was wondering if you could give me some color on the whole ‘Formula M’ thing?”

“THE M STANDS FOR MARDUK.”

No one says anything. The pen looks irritated. You do not know how, but it does.

“Right.” Trent from Marketing treads carefully. “And just so we’re all on the same page, Marduk is…” He motions for the pen to fill in the blank.

“BRINGER OF ILLNESS! AUTHOR OF DEATH! CONDUCTOR OF STORMS!”

“Oh, sure, of course. And again, just to make sure we’re aligned, this is like a Ghostbusters thing?”

“BLASPHEMY! GOZER IS SUMERIAN!”

“And you are…”

“A DIFFERENT THING!”

“Right, right. And a great thing, I’m sure. You know what, I’m going to just go ahead and grab Janice.” Trent from Marketing starts to walk out the room. “She’s really into church stuff. She might be better equipped to—“

“INSOLENCE!”

Trent from Marketing freezes in place and starts levitating, unable to speak, his eyes wide in terror. Everyone else takes a step back.

“BE STILL!”

The pen pivots in a circle as if daring you to move.

“NOW: WHERE IS MUSHUSSU, MY FAITHFUL COMPANION IN DESTRUCTION?”

Everyone looks at Ben.

“YOU DID NOT SUMMON MUSHUSSU?”

Ben looks at the ground.

The pen sighs. It hovers closer to the pentagram. “WHAT SUBSTANCE IS THIS?”

“I’m sorry, Mister Marduk, but all we had was ketchup,” Ben says. “And we don’t know where your, uh, marshmallow is, but I can go buy some if you like?”

The pen dips its nib in the ketchup. “TOMATO SLURRY! YOU DARE MOCK ME?” It snaps to position, facing Ben.

Some kind of black laser shoots out of its nib.

Ben vanishes.

You run.

—

You are not totally sure what happened after that, but since the screaming has stopped you’re reasonably sure you’re the only one left alive. You do not know if it waiting just outside your door, biding its time to finish you off, or if by this point it has moved on to vaporize the entire accounting department.

You do know that there are some bad ideas in brainstorming.

OTHER STUFF

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Monteverde pens do not contain lesser deities from the Babylonian pantheon. The part about it writing well is real, though.

A real-life Clipmas miracle: I told my wife I was going to buy the Innova Formula M Lightning when Atlas Stationers had it on sale for Black Friday, because it’s one skull away from looking like I personally designed it. She said “you can’t, I already bought it for you for Christmas.” Readers, I hope you all find someone who understands you in the same way.

An excellent review of my book from one of you guys: Here is a review of Great Leader Detective Agency that is so good that it sounds like I wrote it myself. But I didn’t! One of you guys did!

These advanced reader copy reviews are private (if you leave one, only I will see it) and so I’m not including the person’s handle, but you know who you are and thank you very much! This was very validating for a first-time author.

Reminder that the book is available FOR FREE (both for E-Reader/Kindle or PDF) until August or we run out of free spots. You can read a sample and get the entire thing at this link. Thank you to everyone who has already downloaded it!