I wrote the most novel

how to get an advance copy for free YOU’RE WELCOME

HEY GUYS: My book is done and set to be published in August and RIGHT NOW you can get an advance copy for free (for the first 100 people).

This post explains if the book is for you and, if so, how to get in on it. (If you’re a longtime reader and want to skip ahead to the “getting it for free” part, go to this link.)

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BEHOLD! The cover for The Great Leader Detective Agency Prepares For Glory And Then, A Bit Later, For Ice-Cream Cake:

As the cover says: It is the most novel.

Just imagine the excitement you will feel when you get your own copy, electric anticipation coursing through your veins because you know full well that title length always correlates with quality. In fact, you are not even allowed to have a title longer than four words without permission from the Book Police (this is book law), so you know this will be something special.

What’s that?

You still need more information, like “what’s it about?”

That is a personal failing, but very well. Here’s the back blurb from the print editions:

I didn’t pick the name “Junior Detective Cat Lady.”

Just like I didn’t ask to get detained in a dictatorship. Or be part of a group wrongly accused of murder—but hey, here we are.

Six months ago, I was regular old Lizzy Haskins, a project manager babysitting an awful client on a tour of Europe. Now, I’ve got four days to help this country’s eccentric ruler find the real killer or I’ll end up facing Craigistani justice, which involves a bunch of angry wolverines in a hedge maze.

I’ve got to do this while managing “Detective” Great Leader, a guy who lives in a life-sized He-Man playset, talks to a cat named Field Marshal Mittens, and thinks detective work is exactly like reruns he’s seen of Murder, She Wrote.

I’m not super optimistic. But good news: I hear that if I survive, there will be cake.

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Great Leader Detective Agency is a series of very true and not-at-all-made-up stories of how Great Leader solved the most mystery, with the possible help of Junior Detective Cat Lady. An official outreach initiative of the People’s Democratically Socialist Kingdom of Craigistan, it is kind of like a cozy mystery series, but with more sharks.

That’s right: It is like if Sherlock Holmes was a dictator who owned a shark and talked to a cat, told from the perspective of a very put-upon Watson who is given the name Cat Lady despite herself owning no cats.

This novel is for you if:

• You find yourself constantly complaining about the lack of missiles in cozy mystery books

• You are tired of semi-ridiculous character names in modern fiction and just want someone to go all-in with names like “Captain Rax Handsome” and “Senior Detective Triceratops Claw”

• You work in the ice-cream cake industry and are aching for someone to finally tell your story

• You heard “Field Marshal Mittens” and were like SOLD

• You like this blog and wish it was 300 pages long

Naturally, the most novel requires the most marketing. So there is not only an in-universe website and Substack, both of which you are legally required to visit by reading this far, but also merchandise.

Yes, friends: Your dream of wearing a shirt about pizza and murder done in 1990s design tropes WILL FINALLY BE A REALITY.

not a spoiler

Book will be available for purchase in mid-August, merch probably around the same time depending on how the test runs go.

Until then, you can sign up to get an advance reader copy for free. Go to this link, which will look like the picture below. You can read a sample chapter by clicking on “Read Excerpt,” which will give you Great Leader and Junior Detective Cat Lady’s first witness interview.

If you like that, you’ll like the book, and you can sign up to get the whole thing for free right away. The full book download is capped at 100 people (no limit on the sample chapter), so it’ll be first-come, first-served; both PDF and e-reader files are available.

After that, you know the drill: you’ll get polite requests from BookSirens (the platform that I’m using for advance copies) to leave a review, which you may or may not ignore but which are VERY MUCH APPRECIATED because algorithms. Reviews should be honest and include the usual “I got an advance copy for free from the Craigistan Culture Ministry thanks to the magnificent benevolence and eternal handsomeness of Great Leader” disclaimer that you see on advance reader reviews.

Thanks! Back to weird pen stuff next time!